So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
