She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
