If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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