What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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