I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
