I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
