I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
