Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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