i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize