From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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