Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
