once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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