I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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