sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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