Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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