Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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