My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
