were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
