U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
