So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize