sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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