this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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