I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
