I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
