I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
