I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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