Umm I'm too high to move.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize