I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
