you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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