I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
