My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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