Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
