i think i have two assholes
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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