Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
