why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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