I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
