you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
