So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
