CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i will never coherently bang her
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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