just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
