i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
