Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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