life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
