Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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