only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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