do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
