she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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