The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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