you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
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