My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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