guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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