Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Plan B is the new Plan A
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
