why didn't you poke me back
i would punch a child for taco bell
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
