Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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