Will you blow on my dice?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
