apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
