What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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