UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You smell like stripper and shame
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
