ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
