trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
