i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
