dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
